You Tell 'Em Piyush Jindal Is Comin'

And Hell's comin' with him!


Ah, time again for Conservatism's Big Fucknozzle Trade Show; that magical weekend every year when half of the GOP leadership lines up to flatter the party's deranged base...

... while the other pretends they don't exist.

I only glanced briefly at the 2015 CPAC lineup before I collapsed in uncontrollable laughter but here is what I could glean from my short perusal of the map of crazytown...

At The Imaginarium of Doctor Reverse Mortgage, Fred Thompson narrates an immersive 4D experience that let's the viewer pretend invading Iraq was a fucking brilliant idea, and we woulda won too if it weren't for those meddling Libruls!

The Carousel of Regression takes you back...back...back to a time when Murrica was better because mouthy women, gays, Mexicans and uppity Negroes knew their place.

This years's Flag-Wrapped NRA Bullshit Extravaganza will mark the sixth anniversary of explaining in no uncertain terms to the same audience of paranoid and defiantly ignorant chumps that jackbooted UN goons and Eric Holder are right outside their bunker, ready to kick in their door, take their guns and ship them off to a FEMA camp for re-education.  (As always, Kenyan Usurper Survival Paks will be available at deep discounts to all convention-goers in the Huckster Room.)

Ron Christie's Superhero Theater will feature a panel discussion on how it is impossible for Conservatives to be racists because of their x-ray vision, which enables them to see past the surface differences which obsess Libruls and deep into the content of your wallet.

From Ronald Reagan and Jesus writing the Constitution to Ronald Reagan defeating Hitler and splitting the atom with his might Sword of Freedumb,  Newt Gingrich's audio-animatronic Murrican Adventure tells the story of American history that Leftists don't want you to hear!

And of course, no CPAC would be complete without opening the Gipper Vault so that Holographic Ronald Reagan can congratulate the faithful on successfully navigating the latest Reagan Crisis, and explaining to them how that Crisis fits into the overall Heritage Foundation plan.